When employees of Farmers & Merchants Bank arrived at work this morning, they were greeted by death itself. Fifteen feet above the parking lot, a witch lay lifeless — straddling her broom, and a second-floor guardrail.

Onlookers stared up in stunned silence — frozen by the kind of eeriness that cloaks sleepy towns during the first ten minutes of a horror movie.

The  branch manager recalls: "I totally screamed. Then I got sick." 

A teller said, "Dude, I thought she was totally faking, but then I threw a rock at her and she didn't move and I like, threw it pretty hard."

Initially, onlookers speculated the witch was attempting a sunrise takeoff when her broom just failed, but the paramedics first on the scene painted a more gruesome picture.

"See this? This bruise on the right side of her face? I'm no Quincy, M.D., but it looks she came in head first at about sixty miles an hour."

"Ten bucks says it was more like ninety," the second paramedic said. "A witch's skull can probably take sixty, but ninety? That's kamikaze shit right there." 

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